What if I can't?

Change does not suit me.  This is probably my biggest character flaw, because change is, after all, the only constant.  I try to be one step ahead of my inability to handle change, to push myself into experiencing it in full, even when I would rather turn away.  I am all too aware that my future plan involves a lifetime of change, the hardest part of which will be the impact it has on my relationships with those around me.

As I wrote in August last year:

"Yes it will be heartbreaking, yes it will leave me feeling numb over and over and over again, but this is the life I choose."

But honestly, right now, that scares me.  What if I can't handle the change?  What if I can't stand letting go once, never mind endlessly letting go?  What if it stops me from reaching out to others?  What if it just isn't worth it?

I may not be able to answer all my questions, but I do know it is worth it.  Worth it a hundred thousand times over, and I know why.  But I am still terrified.

And so I cling to the moment, to the here and now.  The ever-present reminder of how finite every moment with those around me is grounds me in the enjoyment and full participation in the present.

Perhaps that is actually the gift which makes the fear and the pain worthwhile, not the lifestyle or the travel or the people or the places.  The reminder that nothing is forever transforms the present into everything. 

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