Sweet hypocrisy

I have made no secret to myself of the fact that in my search for love I desire a little more freedom and a little less limitation than perhaps my culture prescribes that I should have.

I believed in my desires.  I did the research, I did the maths, I theorised about the morality and the logistics and the emotions.

And while it all seemed so simple when I considered how I would react to my man's desire for his own freedoms, for his own limitless love,  I never really reflected on how I would react to my own.

So I was surprised by the fact that in the cold light of day, what my emotional self wanted was far from the conclusions of my rationalising and theories.  Freedom?  Sickening.  A love without boundaries?  Terrifying.

Is it possible that just because I felt mentally ready to leap away from the cultural preconceptions of what love should be, that didn't mean this could be achieved in any other way than by taking tiny baby steps?


Is it possible that I don't need a relationship without boundaries, I just need the freedom to make my choices for myself?


Is it possible that all my theories are wrong, and that I actually have no idea what I really want?


Is it possible that all the theories in the world cannot come close to  providing me with the understanding I need to face relationships with conviction and compassion, and it is only through experience that I can come close to finding what really works?


But what I have learnt is that although relationship theories can be made alone, they must be applied with someone else.  And only through application can either person know what themselves or the other person truly feels.

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