Safe in my Father's hands

Im not one of those people who seem to just pray for things and immediately get them.  I know people like that - and their faith inspires me.  One of my friends has a million and one stories of how God has provided for her...her car breaks down, she prays for a new one, someone instantly turns up to give her one.  She needs money for flights for a mission trip, she prays about it, someone comes up to her out of the blue and offers her the exact amount she needed for that ticket.  Well its never been like that for me.  I always wondered why, now I think Im starting to see.

You see, Im also not the kind of person who believes I deserve anything I havent worked for.  Yet if I worked for it, I can accept that thing and use it as productively as possible.  So when I was considering buying a van which cost double what I was originally intending to pay, I prayed about whether I was doing the right thing.  And no miracle benefactor appeared, no-one turned round and offered me the money.  And even if they had, I probably wouldnt have accepted it.  But I stepped out in faith, and I bought it because I believe that this is God's plan for me and my finances are safe in his hands.

And 4 days later, I get a pay rise at work that will have covered the cost of the van by the time I leave.  And because I know I have worked for that money, I feel ok about putting it towards my master plan.

We are all safe in His hands, even if we dont know it until after we have taken the risk.

New arrivals

Halfway through the 300 mile journey home!

Blank slate...cannot wait to get started

Left hand drive is going to take a while to get used to!

So I made it to Southampton to pick the van up after 10h on a bus and 2h layover in London.  Though I did have my breakfast sitting opposite Buckingham Palace so it wasnt so bad.  And I made it home !!! 7h of left driving was pretty terrifying, but I managed not to crash the van and not to bruise my left hand too much by smashing it into the door trying to change gear.  And now the van is safely situated in its home for the next 18 months - and I can breathe a MASSIVE sigh of relief! Great weekend!

Springtime beckons

The world is re-awakening.  Daffodils are slowly opening, crocuses are reaching and stretching towards the sun and the smell of hyacinths fills the air.

New white lambs skip and frolic in the fields, their dark eyes filled with wonder at the stirring world.  Bold green leaves and pale blossom begin to grace the trees and hedgerows as the birds begin to sing louder with excitement into the hazy clear skies.  

Golden rays bringing the first promise of the warmth of summer fold themselves around me as the whole world seems to pulsate with the life and hope that only spring can bring.

Amsterdam freebie

On Sunday I went on a free (yes FREE) 2 day mini-cruise to Amsterdam courtesy of my nice and generous bank.  Amsterdam was cool, but I dont think cruising is for me.  I get bored way to easily to spend so long on a boat.  I went with my Mum because we are celebrating the cancer-free end of her 5 years of cancer treatment and we thought it would be nice to do something a bit different.

In Amsterdam we went to Anne Frank's house which was really thought provoking.  While its really important to understand the scale of the Holocaust in order to appreciate how terrible it was, for me all those numbers and facts tend to obscure the individuality and value of every single life which was lost.  Anne's diary and the opportunity to see the house she was hiding in magnifies the horror of the Holocaust far more than any fact ever could for me.  It hasnt really been changed since the Frank family lived there, you can still see the pictures Anne put up on her walls and the marks drawn on the wall to show how much the children had grown while they were there.  It brought tears to my eyes.

We also went to the floating flower market - which is in the picture, did our own walking tour round the central area of the city and had the most beautiful hot waffles covered in melted chocolate.  It was a good day.  Didnt get a chance to go to any of the art museums though - if Im ever in Amsterdam again I will definitely go and take a look at them.

But now its back to England, work and reality. Spring is in the air though and Im picking up the van on Saturday so its not all bad!

My Roaccutane experiences

Ok so I thought I would share this story because when I was making the decision whether to be put onto Roaccutane or not - a little internet research brought up so many awful horror stories that I was almost frightened out of taking it at all.  And Im glad I stuck to my perception that those stories, while true, were probably representative of a tiny minority.  So heres my story...

So my acne wasnt exactly horrendous when I started on Roaccutane. But it was steadily getting worse, I had been on all the antibiotics and prescription creams under the sun for YEARS, and none of them had made any improvement.  I definitely wouldnt have considered taking this drug if I didnt feel like any other less invasive treatment had a chance of working.

I have been on the drug for 3 months now, hopefully after 1 month more I will be finished.  I was told that my skin would continue to improve for 6 months after I finished the course, and that after 1 year there is a chance that the acne could come back.

So what are the downsides....well there are some...

• I have dry skin and really dry eyes and really really dry lips all the time - but if I didnt have them then it wouldnt be working right!
• For the first few weeks I got splitting headaches.  I honestly dont know if the drug caused them, and they have cleared up now.
• My skin damages really easily, and it takes forever to heal.
• My nose bleeds a tiny bit inside most of the time, its a bit painful and annoying but its not enough that Id class it as a nosebleed.
• I have to go for blood tests and back to the dermatologist every month - this is not a drug for busy people!
• You cant drink on these drugs.  This doesnt really bother me that much to be honest - but given this is a drug that directly affects your liver I think it is a rule that really needs to be stuck to.
• I get coldsores...and I never usually get them.

And the positives...well...it works.  It really works.  I just hope it lasts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before

 

  

Now

 

 

Anna Pearce...van owner

It was THE ONE !!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh the excitement.

Inspection came back with nothing on it that I wasnt expecting for a van of that age...and the deposit is paid...and the ticket is booked...so on Saturday 26 March I will be collecting MY van! 

YAY! Thank you Lord! (And thank you to my friend Matt for noticing it on Ebay and giving me loads of great car advice)

Maybe you are the one....take two!

So...I think I have found another possible van.  If this one isnt The One I am seriously going to go insane before much longer.  I found it on Ebay... but I cant seem to add pictures from there...

This van is a left hand drive import which is registered in the UK.  Its got the exact engine Im looking for, super low mileage and looks like its in great condition.  It is a bit over budget but it already has some of the features that I was intending to install myself (like swivel seats) so overall it isnt too much more than I was hoping to pay.

I am willing to go over budget for this van because I have no idea when I will next find a left hand drive in the UK, never mind one that matches my requirements.  Also it is less than £1000 over budget - and who is to say that even if I do find another suitable vehicle any time soon that it would be any less expensive!

So Im getting a vehicle inspection done on it on Friday (the AA dont inspect imports...but the RAC do) so Im pretty excited for that.  I really hope that the inspection finds no major issues - as the costs of all these inspections is really starting to add up!

Im definitely going to go for it if the inspection report looks ok...so in a couple of weeks from now (next weekend Im going to Amsterdam so van collection isnt an option) I could have my van!!!! WOW.

Cheshire Moon

Last night there was a Cheshire cat moon. I love the moon, it brings out the wildness in me.  And I love Alice in Wonderland, especially the Cheshire cat.  So a Cheshire moon...is simply perfection.

'Come, it's pleased so far', thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where...' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

What I have learnt about importing a vehicle into the UK

So after much thought I have pretty much given up on the idea of importing my van, Im going to hold out for a left hand drive over here.

In summary, my reasons for this are - 

1. Risk - the whole issue with being scammed, having no idea what Im buying or whether I can make it home seems too risky for me.
2. Cost - while importing theoretically shouldnt cost too much, it will still cost something and potentially it could be very expensive to get it ready for its MOT.  Im not sure whether overall I would be saving enough to make it worth all the stress and inconvenience of getting a van from overseas.
3. Language - I like to be really clear on whats happening, and that just isnt possible.
4. Its too scary...and Im a coward!

So, whether this is the wrong or the right choice, its the choice I have made.  I have also decided that the £2000 it would cost to get a popup roof would probably be better invested in getting a better base vehicle.  So I am looking at how easy it would be to install a hammock in a van instead.  I love the idea of a van hammock!

But for future reference for anyone who is interested, here is a summary of what I have learnt about importing a vehicle.

1. You need to get an import pack from the DVLA.  This needs to be completed once the van is in the country, and taken with evidence of MOT, tax and insurance to your local DVLA office.
2. You need to get the MOT and the tax as soon as you get to the UK - they recommend you get the vehicle transported over because of this but I think you could work around this.
3. The best sites to look for vehicles in Germany are mobile.de and ebay.de
4. Vehicle inspections in Germany can be arranged by ADAC or TUV - neither seem like they do that thorough a check so if you have someone on the ground out there or the skills and time to go out yourself then I think that would be a better option.
5. German vehicles come with 3rd party insurance on the export plates which is valid in any country until the plates expire.
6. You cannot use this insurance to register the car in the UK - you need UK based insurance, which can be obtained using the VIN from one of these brokers.
7. Personally, I wouldnt consider buying a vehicle from a country where I dont even have the basics of communication.
8. Unless you can book a ferry a long time in advance, the cheapest way to get back to the UK by a long way is using the Channel Tunnel.
9. If your vehicle is under 10 years old, it has to be put through a Type Approval test - the guy I spoke to at the DVLA said that most vehicles require various expensive modifications to pass this.  Vehicles over 10 years old can skip this and go straight to get their MOTs.
10. For these older vehicles to pass a UK MOT, the most likely modifications you will have to make are to ensure the foglight is on the correct side and the headlights beam points the correct way.  Also make sure your speedometer shows values in miles or this can be an expensive change to have to make.
11.  German vehicles should come with an ownership document, a registration document, proof of emissions testing & a TUV test, and a contract of sale.

And thats my top 11 tips!  There are some really great sites online with info from people who have actually had the guts to go through with all this stuff.

So now its back to searching through Ebay here in the UK to find the perfect van!

What am I giving up?

When I was in Tanzania I stayed with an Australian lady for a few days.  She was working as teacher for a Christian Mission organisation in Dodoma.  Dodoma is the "capital" of Tanzania - selected because it is in the middle of the country.  In reality it is just a few political buildings and one dusty concrete road which pales into insignificantcein comparison to the industry and bustle of Dar Es Salaam.  But this is not a consideration of African politics and colonialism.

Anyway this woman was one of those spirited, dedicated and tenacious people who have lived the most incredible lives by most people's standards.  She has taught and done mission work all around the globe, she was self-assured, beautiful and talented.  I was talking to her about her life and probably kept saying "wow"..."you're so lucky"..."thats great" and stuff like that - as you would.

Suddenly she stopped describing her adventures and achievements, her voice dropped and her open vulnerability has stuck with me as one of my lasting memories of her.  She told me about how whenever she goes home, all her family and old friends tell her how lucky she is, and how jealous they are of her freedom and her lifestyle.  But when they say that, all she sees is the things that she has given up to obtain that freedom.  Things that they had but maybe didnt realise the true value of.  Husbands, children, stability, security.

Not to say that she couldnt have had those things in Tanzania, or in any corner of the world, with any style of life.  But the choices we make do tend to force us to prioritise certain aspects of our lives.  I guess the more extreme the decision, the more likely it is that you are to have to give something else up

So what am I going to be giving up?  I too intend to run to the corners of the earth and never look back.  But the biggest risk of all is that most of the time, you wont know what you are giving up until it is too late.  Its a risk Im willing to take because I know what I will gain is worth the potential sacrifices. 

Doubt doubt doubt

I am having a massive meltdown over my van plans.

The German dealer is refusing to fix the windscreen on the van I found - which in itself isnt a massive deal.  But it has made me do a total U-turn from being super confident in what Im doing to being crushed by doubt.

Should I be buying a van from a dealer who isnt even prepared to make it road legal?  I think not.  Do I really need a left hand drive vehicle THAT badly that its beneficial to put myself through all this stress, hassle, risk and cost to get one from overseas?  Do I really need a popup roof if it is essentially halving the amount I have available to spend on the thing that matters - a reliable base vehicle?  Am I even going to save that much money by converting the van myself?  Am I even capable of achieving a decent conversion or is it just going to be one everlasting disaster?

I think I have made so many bad decisions recently that I just dont trust myself at all any more.

I emailed the German dealer asking him if he would reduce the price given that I would have to go and get some work done over there before bringing the vehicle home.  He hasnt replied.  He said he would send me the Verkauftrag (contract of sale) to look at.  He hasnt.  I have such a bad feeling about it all now I feel like I should just cut my losses and run.

I am researching vehicles on Ebay in the UK to see what fully done out conversions are going for, and also what I could get if I abandoned the popup-roof idea and put the extra £2000 towards the vehicle.

This is crazy stressful.  I guess the real source of the problem is that, as ever, I only know what I dont want.  I dont know what I want, so I dont know what to fight for.

"Judge not the Lord with feeble strength, but trust Him from His grace."

Who broke your heart?

An old friend of mine once asked me..."Who broke your heart?"  I was too ashamed to answer him honestly, so I lied and said someone's name.  This is one of the few lies I have ever told this person, and I instantly regretted it.  But I couldnt bring myself to voice the truth.

So this is an attempt to make amends for my lie.  This is my theory on broken hearts.

To live fully is to give your hearts to others.  Some of them will deserve it, some of them wont, it really doesnt matter.  These people have the power to cherish, nurture and breathe life into our hearts.  They also have the power to neglect, crush and trample our hearts.

But no-one on this earth has the power to break our hearts.  No-one except ourselves.  Others may have the power to throw the punches, but ultimately it is our own duty to determine what our hearts are made of.

So my answer to the question "Who broke your heart?" should only ever have been "I did."

In accepting responsibility, maybe it will help my heart to transform into a more unbreakable material.

Vehicle inspection...check!

Ok the vehicle inspection has now been done (though I still have no idea what it has cost...or what they tested really)

But whatever the price or thoroughness of the check - it was the best I could find.  And it has been really valuable - as I now know the windscreen is badly cracked and the exhaust blows.  None of which are massive deals, but they do need to be fixed.

So...if I can persuade the dealer to fix them before I pay for the van - then I think Im going to go for it.  Eeek.  Scary stuff.  And I also need to get my contact details over to him successfully (which I have utterly failed to do for the last few weeks as it is surreally difficult to spell things in German).

I have finally caved to the utter monster that is the language barrier though, and asked someone much more fluent in german than I am to ring the guy to try and talk through these last details with. I am just as pleased that I know someone who speaks German better than me as I am about finding the van.  Although I am insanely stubborn and independent, I am not one of those people who refuses to ask for help when they need it.  If someone can do something better than me - then that's awesome.  

And in this case, it means I can be certain that I am going to turn up and be faced with something I have actually agreed to, rather than a smashed up windscreen and a very confused dealer.

Ohhhh its getting so close to being real.  I love the fear.

Maybe you are the one...

I think (hope..pray...believe) that this might just be the one.  The One!  THE ONE!! My van.  My home.  My kingdom.  My FREEDOM.  Its a 1997 LHD VW T4 2.4l diesel which has done 120 000 km. No window on the side door but it has pretty much everything else I want.  After 2 months searching, this one is definitely in the top 10% of what I have seen, and the garage guy's English is decent and he seems pretty helpful and genuine.  Its in Endenkoben which is a bit south of Cologne, so not too far to go either.

Though...I may just be counting my chickens before they are hatched.  After many long and confusing and very German phonecalls, I have managed to arrange an inspection on this van for tomorrow.  So far I would say buying a van from abroad is by no means the easy option, and I am seriously so grateful for the limited amount of German I can speak.

Technical inspections in Germany can be arranged through ADAC (motoring club) or TUV (MOT people), TUV didnt email me back but ADAC did and they recommended the local TUV source anyway.  You need to specify where the vehicle is when asking for a contact number.

I havent been able to extract from the people doing the check exactly what they are going to be testing, I think its going to cost about 100 Euros so Im hoping to get something fairly comprehensive for that.  And some form of results that I can understand and actually get something out of.

So...if the results are all ok, and if I can convince the garage guy to give me the VIN (how do you define VIN to a German!) and some suitable form of legal document in return for my 2000 Euros (apparently anyone who offers to just take a deposit in Germany is a scammer)...then this baby shall be mine!

Im super excited.  My dreams are so close I feel I can almost touch them. 

How do you spend your time?

I believe that time is quite literally the most precious thing we have.  And yet we waste so much of it.  I waste so much of it.

This is how I spend my week...

40h at work - I see this as time wasted as I am investing time in things I perceive to be valueless.

55h asleep - awesome.  I love sleeping.

4h - commuting.  Time wasted.

3.5h - working out.  Time well spent - looking after your physical wellbeing is contibutory to happiness.

3h - agility training with Sally.  Time well spent - she loves it and I love her

5h - housework.  Vital tasks so I dont mind it.

5h - walking Sally.  As above.

3h - getting ready to go out to work etc.  I really dont spend long over getting ready so Im ok with this.

10h - watching TV.  Technically time wasted but...it does keep me calm.

15h - studying.  Given my current life plan this is essentially time wasted.

3h - having meals with my Mum. Time invested in family is precious.

2h - church.  Spending time with God is the most worthy investment of time in my eyes.

3h - showering.  Clean is good.

So that leaves 16.5 hours unaccounted for  I guess most of that is spent eating...or on other timewasting crap.

So.  Of the 168 hours in a week, I believe I am spending around hours on activities that I see as a valid investment of time.

Now I dont feel like checking my Maths, but I am clearly spending only half my week on tasks that I can actually justify doing.  And if I was to exclude the time I spend sleeping from that figure then that is pretty damn depressing.  

So...why dont I fix it right now!  Well, I have no justifiable answer for that, beyond that sometimes you have to play off the risk of futureproofing your life against the possibility that that future may not actually exist for you.  But I dont even see that as a justifiable reason - because from that angle I could argue that I should work 70h a week till Im 80 because by then they will have discovered the secret to immortality so I need to set up a financially viable situation for that.  And we can all see that a plan like that is utterly ridiculous!  So I have no excuse.  I am wasting my life because I voluntarily tied myself down to things I never wanted.  Lesson learnt hopefully, but for now, yes, I am literally wasting my life.

But...once I finish my degree and leave this place  I will get those figures sorted out.  One day I will do another post to prove it.

Bigging up the Disapproving Rabbits

I love rabbits.  I love animals which make funny faces.  So...Disapproving Rabbits is pretty much my idea of Heaven.  

It makes me laugh so much I have to be pretty careful when I check my Google Reader at work...

Im pretty down on the whole van thing right now, and Im too busy doing university work to fix it.  But as of next weekend - the van will be my number one priority.  Well...the van and my assignment.  The day this degree will be done CANNOT come soon enough.  Note to self, never ever do anything again that makes you wish your life away.  I really hope I have learnt that lesson.

Why Im disappointed in mobile.de

mobile.de is great.  Its really great.  It is super easy to find what you want, they put it all in English and it is crystal clear even for idiots like me...

BUT

BUT BUT BUT

The dealers on there do not, will not or CANNOT answer emails.  Not one.  Nothing.  

It is literally a total waste of time emailing them.  I must have tried at least 10 different dealers - and not a word in return.  With every length of email and German-English combo you could think of.  Now to me this seems crazy - why advertise online if you arent going to reply to the emails of prospective buyers.  I dont care how much Spam you get through the system - you still answer your customers.  Alternatively, why go to all the effort of providing such a great site if you are going to provide an email facility that doesnt even work! WHY!

So its on to Plan B - Im going to have to call them.  With my limited German and my awkward working hours - this is obviously far from ideal.  Sigh.  Big sigh.  

I should know by now that nothing in this life ever comes easy.  Rant over.  You are now warned.  Great site, just dont use the email system.  Hopefully the phone numbers it provides will be genuine!

What you should take from people

Firstly, I would like to clarify myself to all the people whose feathers get well and truly ruffled by the idea of taking anything from anyone.  I am all for independence, and I truly believe in giving everything you can to those you encounter.  However, independence is not about being isolated, it doesnt mean you cannot merge aspects of your self with the ideas, characteristics and life lessons of others.  And while giving is great, most people cannot do this indefinitely and selflessly while remaining mentally healthy if they do not also allow themselves to be built up in return.  Even if you are one of those utterly amazing people who has the internal strength to never need anything in return - it is wise to remember that if no-one was prepared to take then the gift of altruistic giving would be utterly useless.

My next move to escape the pitchforks and torches is to clarify my choice of image.  This is the graveyard of the church in the village I grew up in.  Askham in Cumbria will always be one of the most beautiful places in the world to me.  Graveyards in general hold no fear for me, I find them to be oases of calm and peacefulness which are vital reminders of our grounding in the past.  Old graveyards are especially fascinating and I just love the way the stones slowly fade and decay as the people they commemorate return to the earth which cradled them in life.

Which brings me to the point of my inspiration for today - as we go through our lives it is impossible not to lose people.  Whether they are friends, family or lovers...and whether they depart through death, arguments or the neverending passage of time, we lose people.  And when we lose them it is usually either very distressing, generating a large amount of anger or sadness, or it unnoticeably and ambivalently happens as people drift away from us.  The things we loved about those people while they were in our lives are either submerged beneath the pain or simply forgotten.

Not only is this really sad when you think about it, it also greatly increases the depth and impact of the loss in a totally unnecessary way.  I think its pretty common to buy into the theory of someone "living on" in those they have left behind after they die, but perhaps this is a concept that we can apply to all those who we have lost.  Obviously this isnt just about keeping the memory of the individual alive - while this is obviously really valuable sometimes in the case of someone who has died, you wouldnt do this for someone who has drifted out of your life without it really even bothering you.  But from all these people, regardless of who they were or why they left, when they were with you they gave you something that was uniquely rewarding.  And you can use this to improve your life today.

For example, maybe your ex could make you laugh like no-one else ever could.  So take that feeling, and use it when you are down.  Remember how you laughed till it hurt and it will still make you smile.  Or maybe you always knew you could rely on your dad to come pick you up when things got rough.  So when things get bad after he has gone, let yourself feel the calm and the reassurance of his support and maybe it will give you the strength to rely on yourself to get through it.  Or when you have drifted apart from that best friend who always used to call you on the stuff you did wrong, think through what that critically honest voice would say next time you arent sure what the right choice is.  Use the past experiences to inform your future, but tie them into the people that you have loved and who have loved you.  Let that relationship continue to mean something regardless of how the relationship ended, but in the healthiest and most beneficial way possible.  People who truly love people cannot help but to radiate love out to the important people in their present.

And to come full circle back to the theme of giving - as well as letting go of the negative aspects of my past in order to let the people I have loved continue to support me today, I would love to be able to do the same in return.  I want to provide enough of my myself to other people that years after I have left their lives there will still be elements of our relationship they can take and use to improve their present.  Even if its something as simple as being the person who is always delighted to see them, or the person who always makes enough food that there is enough to give any unexpected visitors dinner.  You never know how the little things you do can change someone's life.

Go FISCH!

This is a project which means an awful lot to me...Fisch - Future for Iringa Street Children. 

For one I firmly believe that when we should not live in a world where we can justify sending some children to private schools and provide healthcare for some children which verges on the miraculous while there are still children who die through lack of the most basic education and healthcare.  This project is a small step towards rectifying that imbalance.  

For two the project is based in Iringa, Tanzania.  This is a town which I have visited and is very special to me.  I can still almost smell the sweet scent of the frangipani, taste the warm juicy guavas and feel the glow of the colourful african sun as if I was still there.  This is a picture of the view from Iringa.  Totally gorgeous as you can see.

And finally, and most importantly, Fisch was set up by my beautiful friend Lissie and her husband Rich.  I have a lot in my life to thank Lissie for and I love her dearly.

Its a great project and it relies entirely on donations to keep providing these children with the love, care and support they so desperately need to enable them to get back into society and claim a future filled with hope.

Lost in translation

I have hit a bit of a brick wall this week with most areas of my life - including my van plans.

So far I have emailed about 5 dealers a carefully crafted email with the intro and end in German, and various technical questions in the clearest English I can manage.  Now this email took me a while - so I am not that impressed that I have had no answers.  At first I was inclined to blame the site itself for not deliveing my emails to the dealer - but given how easy the rest of the mobile.de website is to use I somehow doubt a site with that level of professionalism would have a non-functional email system.

Which brings me to the conclusion that the problem lies either in the content of my email, or the fact that I am emailing instead of calling the garages.  Now I would really rather not have to call up every single dealership - for one it will make for a giant phone bill before you even factor in the issues caused by my lack of linguistic talent.  So for now I have revised my email into a 100% German, short & sweet, can I get some info please type of communication.  I'll send that out for another week or so - and if I still get nothing back I guess I will have to resort to making phone calls.

What seemed like forever to find a van now seems to be closing in on me very fast indeed!