My friend, the one who used to call me up when all he wanted to do was slit his wrists, the one who held me while I cried my way through my mother's cancer fight, has just had a baby with his fiancee. I didn't even know she was pregnant.
Another friend, the one who I have travelled thousands of miles with, the one who guided me down the path to finding my faith, has just had major surgery. I didn't even know she was sick.
Ouch. How could these people, who mean so much to me, not share their darkest and their brightest moments with me any more? Do I mean nothing to them any more?
Once my initial reactions of anger subsided, I changed perspective and changed my mind. These two people didn't tell, not because I mean nothing to them, but because they now have people in their lives who simply mean more. They both have partners who support them through their highs and their lows, so they don't need to look elsewhere for their fulfillment any more. They don't need me. This shouldn't make me angry with them, it should make me happy that the person they have chosen to spend their lives with is sufficient for their needs. They are happy.
More worrying though, was that because they no longer need me, I instantly assumed they no longer loved me.
Why do I have to feel needed in order to feel loved?
I tell myself that I want someone who is my equal, who inspires me to do more, who is always one step ahead of me.
So why is there still some malfunctional ridiculous part of me which has to be depended upon in order to feel loved?
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