Because Autumn is beautiful...

...who needs words?

Offering What We Are

Offering What We Are:

Red Vineyards at Arles

by Vincent van Gogh

Oh, the places we would pour ourselves over,

pushing into the meager surfaces

all the impulses of our heart, our desire, our need.

To whom in the end do we offer ourselves?

To the stranger, who misunderstands us,

to the other, whom we never found,

to the servant, who could not free us,

to the winds of spring, which we could not hold,

and to silence, so easy to lose.

Uncollected Poems

Kitchen update

Update on progress since my last post about my van kitchen ...

As you can see, the doors have now gone in and the hinged top is now on.  And inside...

The area for the cooker has been divided from the rest of the top section, the inside will be fully lined with lino to make it easy to keep clean.

The melamine coating for the top worksurface is also yet to be added, then it's just the shelves at the right hand end and a bit more painting...and I will have a kitchen!

Grandad...you were right

It is almost one year since my Grandad died.  I still hear his voice.

Some of my main memories of him from when I was younger involve his, as I perceived them, somewhat ridiculous eccentricities.  This was a man who used to write dates on cheques like this...

Friday 28th October 2011 A.D.

Seriously.  "A.D." !!! Like the bank cashier might look at his cheque and think..."Hmm, I wonder if this cheque is from over 2000 years ago, how can I possibly tell if it doesn't say A.D. or B.C. on it?" 

He was also an epic complainer.  I remember him sitting at the living room table, writing letters of complaint on his big old typewriter.  I don't know who they were to, anyone who would listen I suspect.  He taught me how to use the typewriter, I still love the romance of even the thought of the clicking letters and the ink blots.  So much beauty is lost in the functionality of modern technology.

If I ever asked him what the letters were about, he would launch into some huge rambling explanation about the topic, in far too much depth for my young mind to understand.  My Mum would roll her eyes and try and make him stop.  One of the things he used to complain about most was the Euro.  There was debate about whether or not the UK should join the Euro, and he was passionately against it.

He would stick anti-Euro stickers on every letter he posted.  It wouldn't surprise me if he stuck quite a few on me!  At the time, I didn't understand.  I thought "Why would governments suggest something that wasn't for the best?".  I was young.  I was naive.

Now I see he was right.  Eccentric maybe, but right.  At least on that one issue.  He taught me to always stand up for what you believe in, even when you feel like no-one else is on your side.  Even when your input is almost certainly irrelevant.  Even if you may be wrong.  You, and only you, have to be able to live with yourself.

Thank you Grandad.

I'm never writing "A.D." on a cheque though....

A Design So Vast

I am not a fan of mommy blogs.  This is no reflection on mothers, it is a reflection on me.  Their issues, concerns and joys are not mine.  So their writing interests me less than that of other blogs out there.  But there are exceptions.  

A Design So Vast  is one of them.  Lindsey is a mother, and she writes beautifully.  She sees the beauty and the splendour in the twisted pain and the mundane dust of this world.  And she has red hair, so I automatically like her.  Check out her blog, it will not disappoint!  And she posts daily...she has my admiration for that alone...

from http://www.adesignsovast.com/about/

Her post today caught my eye.

"The challenge, for me, is to incorporate my understanding of this most mysterious aspect of life into my experience without being utterly paralyzed by it.  The question is how to find peace despite this yawning abyss.  Is it possible, though, that life is full of grandeur, beauty, and blinding pain not despite but because of this black hole?"

I share Lindsey's opinion.  I think that the ability to comprehend the triviality of our momentary mortal existence is what makes us human.  It is difficult to embrace this without drowning in the enormity of it, but it is possible and perhaps it represents one of the truest sources of satisfaction in this life.

Yet again, it seems Buddhism already has the answer.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know, or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation published by HarperONE, San Francisco, 1999 All rights reserved 

It's not often that I read something on the internet and don't conclude I would need to mentally re-write sections  in order for to me feel as if it fits me.  Maybe I am just tired.  The exam is done. It went well, but I feel kind of shell-shocked. Crazy right...

Life like the movies

Some days I just wish that life was a little more like the movies.

And also that all doors looked like this!

That the moment when you hit rock bottom would be the moment someone who loves you knocks on the door.

That no matter how hard you fall there would always be the perfect friend waiting to pick up the pieces.

That it is OK to completely screw up with the man of your dreams, because one day, someday, somewhere, there would always be a second chance.

That if it isn't ok yet, that just means it isn't the end.

 

This world is beautiful, but some days I wish the edges were a little softer.  That there were more second chances.  That we could be less alone.

And some days?  Well some days I waste my time crying over bad films because life is not a movie, it's just life.

And one day?  One day I hope that bad movies will no longer make me cry, because life is better. 

How to revise well

Exams have always been something I am good at.  Is it because I am super-crazily-intelligent and don't have to work hard for it? No.  In fact I have often done better than people who are more intelligent than me and appear to have worked at least as hard if not harder.  Why?  Because I was better at revising than them.  Simple as that.

So what are my oh-so-special secrets?  Well unfortunately, the biggest secret is hard work.  Boo hiss that is not what I want to have to say, and I am sure it is not what anyone wants to hear.  But lets dig a little deeper.

1. Do you get the results you need?  The results you want? If the answer is yes, then do not change how you revise.  No matter how many people lecture you on the latest technique or revision guide or make one of those "If only you would listen to me..." sighs, have the conviction to do it your way.  Because it works for you.
2. If you do not get the results you want or need, take all the advice you can get.  There are great techniques and knowledgeable people out there, try new stuff out.  There will be a way which works for you.
3. Make a decision then commit.  Do you want or need to do well...or not?  If the answer is yes, work hard from the start, do not pretend things will be ok if you wait until the night before the exam to start revising.  If the answer is no, do not do less work and then panic last minute because you suddenly decided you wanted to get that A*.  It is your choice.  Choose.  And commit.
4. One hour of good quality revision is better than three hours of poor quality revision.  If you are in the right mood to revise, make it really good quality revision.  Just because you are in such a workaholic mood that you can cope with watching Scrubs while revising, doesn't mean you should.  Put yourself into the environment in which you revise best.
5. One hour of poor quality revision is better than no revision at all.  If you are in that mood which means that being in your best revision environment is intolerable, do revise while watching Scrubs.  That distraction from your poor work ethic will enable you to remain partially on task.
6. Accept that during your revision period, you will have to change your normal routine.  Normally spend all weekend with friends?  Two hours a day in the gym?  Only sleep for five hours a night?  It's not going to happen.  Something has to give.  It is not forever, and you committed to this exam, so it is ok to let something else slide.  Explain and apologise to those around you who are affected,they want you to do well and they will understand.
7. Accept that during your revision period, you are going to change.  You are under a lot of pressure, your normal routine has changed, you will be tired, and this is going to impact on your mood.  Again, this is not going to be forever, observe it, accept it and cut yourself some slack.  Explain and apologise to those around you who are affected, they still love you, still want you to do well and...you guessed it...they will still understand.
8. On exam day, have confidence in yourself.  And (controversially), enjoy it.  You have worked for this and this is the culmination of your efforts, so be present and remember just how soon it will be over.  Enjoy writing.  I am sure that those exam markers much prefer marking a paper which has been written with passion than one that has been written by a terrified angry nervous wreck.  And I like to think that if they like it, they will probably mark it more favourably.  They are only human after all.

 So how do I implement these seven principles?

1.    I get the results I want.  I cannot count the number of times I have ignored well-meaning and great advice, simply because I know what works for me already.  Arrogance? Sure.  Do I care? No...because I get the grades I want.
2. Not applicable because I answered yes to item 1.  So what do I actually do?  Well the photo above shows how I manage my materials, and then basically all I do is write out my A3 sheets and lists of studies...until I know them.  I always run through the sheets in the same order and I make sure everything is divided into small titled sections so each section acts as a trigger to remembering the next section.  I like to use A3 paper because I also remember where things are positioned in relation to each other.
3. I choose to do well.  I like to start revision about five weeks before an exam.  I spend approximately two hours a day revising.  I am typically studying for one 3-hour exam in which I will have to write essays on three different topics, but I also work full time.  I would alter my revision schedule accordingly based on the number of exams and the amount of other commitments there are in my life.
4. My best revision environment is sitting on the couch or lying on the floor, listening to the radio.  I find it hard to focus in complete silence.  My radio station preference is Chill because there are no adverts, no DJ talk, few lyrics to tempt me into singing and a beat which is uptempo enough to keep me awake while relaxed enough to keep me calm.  I typically revise for up to an hour, then take a quarter of an hour break, then start again.  As a maximum I would do three hours in an evening, or five hours across a whole day.
5. When I am feeling too irritated by revising to submit to it fully, I cannot focus with only the radio to keep me on-task.  So I revise with the TV on.  Something mindless that doesnt have to be watched 100% in order to be understood - like Simpsons, Friends, Scrubs etc.  I take slightly longer breaks, maybe half an hour.
6. I'm not going to lie, I hate changing my routine.  But I do.  I go to bed an hour earlier.  I'm not so strict with myself about what I eat and I double the amount of coffee I drink.  I only have a single night a week revision-free, whereas when I'm not in revision mode I typically have two nights a week when I dont study.
7. I am a nightmare to live with when I am preparing for an exam.  I am really irritable and completely disorganised and forgetful, characteristics which are completely out of character for me.  I am mindful of this difference and try and keep myself present in the negative emotion so that it doesn't become too consuming.  But to an extent, I just go with it.
8. On exam day, I always make an effort.  I dress nicely, I put makeup on.  It is tempting to spend every last second revising, but if I feel like I cant look anyone in the eye in that exam room, that lack of confidence has the potential to impact my performance.  I enjoy writing as many pages as I possibly can, and that agonising hand-ache at the end?  To me, that means it was a job well done.

Because dogs are awesome...

And because dogs in motion are extra awesome... 

yes show me more !!!!!!!!!!!

...even if they have had the misfortune to be born as Basset Hounds...

oh my I need to see more crazy Basset faces!!!!!!!!

And also because revision is consuming my mind, life, body and soul. Sorry.

Happy Birthday Blog

Well...it has been 1 year since I started this blog, and I am actually really surprised by what a positive experience I have had so far.

So what have I learnt in the last 12 months?

1. I love to write!  At primary school I adored writing stories, but higher education most definitely beat the joy of writing out of me.  I had forgotten why I ever enjoyed writing, so it has been a really nice experience rediscovering that part of me.  I can definitely see myself writing a book someday!

2. That blogging is definitely going to be a suitable way of recording my travel experiences when I leave on my adventures.  It is a habit I find easy to keep up, and I think it will suit the kinds of things I want to record and share.  The aim of starting the blog was to find out whether I could use it for this purpose, so I call this conclusion a big success.  

3. To carry a camera everywhere I go.  I really like knowing that I have the ability to capture any impromptu photo-worthy moment now, instead of going "ohhhhhhhhh I wish I had my camera!".  

4. I need a better camera...and better photography skills.  Enough said.  

5. To force myself into adopting a more congruent identity.  It is very easy to allow the roles we fill define us - daughter, employee, lover etc.  I always shape myself to fit the moment I am in, to please the people I am with, I think we all do.  Even without contradicting the core components of who we are, it is surprisingly easy to be a very different person depending on the situation we are in.  When you are writing, that is no longer an option.  It is a habit which has spilled over into my everyday life, and I am glad of this. 

6. To expose more of who I really am in everyday life.  To achieve greater congruency in identity, you have two options.  Present yourself at a sufficiently superficial level that you can appear congruent to all people without risk of judgement or negative reactions.  Or to always present yourself without any of the boundaries that are usually used to protect ourselves from everyone but our closest family and friends.  To achieve the level of catharsis I need to find writing beneficial, the first method is not an option for me.

I think it is very interesting that of the six biggest things my year of blogging has taught me, only two of them are actually directly related to the blog itself...

Here's to the next year!

Awesome sauce

This video rocks! And Ki'une's site looks good too.

Revision will be the death of me.  I am exhaustion.

Happy Birthday Sally!

Happy 10th Birthday Sally dog! 

(Yes I forgot it was her birthday until 8.30 pm today...so this is me making up for it...she will totally appreciate this right?)

I love this dog.

Your face

Last year I lost someone who meant a lot to me.  I feel as if I am beginning to let him go, but ever since I have started to feel this way, I have started to see him in everyone around me.

I see his features in the faces of those around me.  Hear his voice in the tones of others.  Find his mannerisms in the behaviours of others.

This never used to happen, it only began when I started to let go of the memory, the relationship, the past.

Is it that although my conscious mind has begun to feel like letting go is ok, subconsciously I am so unready for this that I am triggering these reminders to prevent myself from taking this step?

 

Or is it that in letting go I am giving myself the space to find the things that were vital to me in that relationship in other people?  That I have taken what I needed?

I honestly don't know.  All I know is, I see your face, and it hurts me. 

What do we deserve?

Hampton Court...home of those who got more than they deserved?

People often feel like they deserve a lot better from this life than they seem to get.  That life has not treated them fairly.  That they are owed something.  I know I am guilty of this.

A lot of it seems to stem from comparison of our lives to other people's.  There will always be someone who is richer, happier, healthier, more attractive or intelligent or successful than ourselves.

But it seems to go beyond this comparison.  I don't feel the same sense of injustice over the fact that all the other people who are at equal or lower levels of those factors in comparison to me have been treated that way by this world.  It is almost as if on some level I believe that because I am good, or kind, or hardworking or whatever it is, that means I am somehow entitled to a better life.

And of course, that's not true.  But why not?  You could argue that the vast majority of people "deserve" better than what they have got.  That all people are equal.  Or that what you should get from this world is based on how you behave in it - karma.  You could spend millenia deciding (and arguing) over what each individual should or should not deserve.  While perhaps there is nothing inherently wrong with this viewpoint, I think there are better angles from which to approach the question.

To answer the question at a deeper level, we need to look at whether we deserve what we do have at the most very basic level.  I would argue that just in our very existence, we have already received far far more than we could ever deserve.

Whether you believe in any God, no God at all or the Flying Spaghetti Monster himself, no-one can doubt that the fact that they themselves exist is completely mind-blowingly amazing.  Utterly improbable.  Totally miraculous.  To even reach the point where we take our first breath of air, we are so blessed.  To have life, to exist, is far more than any of us could ever deserve.  Before we existed, we had done nothing to deserve life.  And to be honest, very few of us will ever achieve anything remotely significant enough to say on our deathbeds that we deserved life either.

Yes life hurts.  Yes we get sick, people hurt us, times change and we live in a inherently unfair world.  But.  BUT.  But we have been given life, we already have been given far more than we will ever deserve.

Please dont misinterpret what I am trying to say here.  There is nothing wrong with attempting to resolve the injustices of this world, and there is nothing wrong with attempting to better one's own life.  There is, however, something wrong with this attitude of entitlement.  It seems impossible for it to lead to anything but dissatisfaction, anger, selfishness and ultimately greed.  Regardless of how much we succeed at changing the world or our own lives, we will never satiate the feeling that we deserve better. 

When I reach the point (which happens regularly I'm ashamed to say) when I have had the day from Hell and feel as if the whole world has some kind of vendetta against me, or find myself the unfortunate recipient of yet another shockingly bad piece of luck, I find that adopting this attitude of gratitude (boo-ya rhyming morality!) helps.

Suddenly it's not about things not being fair, not about about me deserving more.  When I am grounded in gratitude then all the inequality and unfairness this world holds becomes so much more bearable. I hope that it will become second nature to be constantly conscious of how much more I have already received in comparison to what I deserve.

I'm getting laser eye surgery!

On 11 November, I am getting LASIK Wavefront laser eye surgery on my left eye with Optimax in Manchester.  My vision in my right eye is almost normal, so I get by without glasses for most things, exceptions being driving, watching TV or using computers - as forcing myself to focus for long periods of time without glasses gives me headaches.

So if I can basically see, why am I getting laser surgery?

1. I want to be comfortable driving long distances without getting headaches or sore eyes.
2. I am terrible at breaking my glasses.  My travels are going to be taking me places where a new pair may not always be easy to get hold of.  But I still need to be able to drive safely.
3. I am going to see the world.  What is the point of getting out there and not being able to see clearly?
4. It is cheaper!  My surgery will cost me £1295 and I shouldn't need glasses again until I am in my 40s.  £1295 probably wouldnt cover my glasses and opticians appointments up until that point.

 So I'm going for it.  I'm scared...and excited.  It's nowhere near as much of a big deal for me as it would be for someone who has 2 really short-sighted eyes though.  I cant even imagine what it would be like to wake up and see clearly for the first time.

Review of Optimax to follow post-surgery!

Ideasville

So I have had an idea for my next sewing project for the van...a car seat tidy.  I saw one in a shop the other day - and was like "Yes! That's what I need for the van!"  But the ones you can buy tend to be much smaller than what I could have (and I do not want to waste any potential storage space!) and the pockets often dont look that great a size.  They are made for nice little things like sunglasses, whereas I want nice big pockets I can stuff with things. 

I am planning on doing 2 different sized ones.  On the driver's side, the organiser can come right down to the floor as the seat will not be swivelling.  As this will be right next to the bed, this can basically act as a bedside cabinet (yay for having normal-people furniture!).  Then the one on the passenger side will be shorter in length, as this seat will be swivelling.  I can't decide whether to make pretty patchwork pockets or just stick to plain ones.  I guess I'll see what Mum's fabric cupboard has to offer!

Unfortunately this project is going to have to wait a while, as Im currently on lockdown in revision mode.  Exams are the bane of my existence.

The kitchen is in! (kind of)

So my oh-so-awesome partner in crime on the van front is now back in action following a couple of months away due to a cycling accident...and the result is - the kitchen is now in progress! The basic structure is in and Im so pleased with it.  Here is a picture of what I have so far which shows what else is to be added in.

 I have also finished painting the wardrobe, so the only thing left to do on that is put in the rail.  So you can really get an idea now of what the space is going to feel like when it is complete.  This is the view from the back of the van...

3 out of 4 blinds for the back are now finished, though I have found that my supposedly "allpurpose" glue is in fact not all purpose as it does not attach the velcro to the metal.  Looks like I need to find some glue designed for metal.  But this is what the blinds look like when they are rolled back...

...and when they are rolled out...

It's been a productive weekend!

Remember last time

"You shouldn't get involved in that.  Remember last time."

Those words are from my mother, and they cut me to the bone. 

To me, the "last time" she was referring to wasn't a situation I regretted, wasn't an action I viewed as a failure, wasn't a decision I felt I got wrong.  It hurt that the woman whose opinion matters most on me looks at part of my life as failures, especially when I dont share the same view.

To me, the "last time" was in fact, entirely different from "this time". It left me feeling lost that someone I am so close to still cannot see the world through my eyes.

And even if "this time" were the same as "last time", it hurt that someone I regard as my best friend doesn't trust my intelligence to not make the same mistake twice.

10 years ago, that comment would have sent me into a screaming rage.  5 years ago it would have turned me into a depressed ball of misery.  1 year ago, that comment would have left me feeling compelled to debate the point until she shared (or at least pretended to share) my point of view.  But today, I just let the comment pass.  Why?

Sure, I felt the pain, the shock, the betrayal of trust.  But not the need to react.  I would say I have learnt that sometimes the health of the relationship is worth much more than the health of my ego, more than my desire to express my opinion, more than the need for understanding.  So much more.

And beyond this insult, this relationship, this reaction, I am rapidly learning that the further away I take my life choices from the choices that the majority of people make, the more often I am going to get reactions like this.  And you know what?  That's ok.  Just because I may not share someone's opinion, doesn't mean they are not entitled to it.  And it doesn't mean their opinions, views or choices are not equally valid, even if that might hurt me.   

But it doesn't have to define me either, and it certainly doesn't have to prevent me from acting out of love.

Interestingly, this theme of isolation in life seems to be running wild at the moment, from my post on relationships, to Tynan's awesome post on lifestyle and Sebastian's post on understanding.

More Rilke

I know, I know, I know...I have gushed with love and admiration for the awesome blog A Year with Rilke before.

But this post....this is something else...

"Never, not for a single day, do we let
the space before us be so unbounded
that the blooming of one flower is forever."

From the Eighth Duino Elegy

 

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.  Perfection!

If I ever...

...get a tattoo...then I will get a design based on this gorgeous stunning surreal dragon...

It was love at first sight.